Have you ever questioned the exclusivity of a relationship and been shut down?
Has it ended the relationship because it put too much “pressure” on one person? Did you want to ask for months but couldn’t bring yourself to ask?
Normally it’s the woman questioning if it’s exclusive. Would you agree? He wants to hang out and have fun. She’s losing sleep wondering if he’s pursuing other women at the same time. He doesn’t want to scare her off by seeming too keen. She’s trying not to text him 4 times a day. They met on a Saturday, so the rule is to wait until Thursday to text, right?
Dating sites make it complicated because of the accessibility to other “candidates”. It’s very rare to meet someone who is completely clear of “options”.
Men hate this conversation and women start to feel needy and insecure because they can’t bring themselves to ask. “But I really like him!” They start to panic! It was so much easier when going on dates where there was no spark! Then they start looking and analysing, then more looking and analysing, until they do their own heads in with countless conversations with friends. Always looking for “signs”, drawing on their intuition but trying to convince themselves that “he’s a great guy and I’m a great catch”, so why would he want to be with anyone else?
That’s a great question.
All the time self-doubting her value and his behaviours, getting caught up in a soup of unhealthy confusion. He’s trying to keep his options open because he’s afraid of settling down with one woman for the rest of his life.
Round and round, round and round… are you exhausted yet?
There’s no communication whatsoever with the actual person here, is there… God no, that’s too bold.
“I’ll scare him off.”
“He’ll think I’m too much.”
“She’ll think I’m being too controlling”
“Nobody likes a nice guy.”
Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!
I encourage open communication from the start, in all dating and relationships scenarios. “How are you feeling about us?” is a great question to ask. And if they wriggle and cringe, avoiding the question, staring blankly at a tree, or calling over the waiter for a distraction… you have your answer.
Fast forward 3 months and this couple still can’t ask for what they want, they have confused boundaries, and they’re ignoring red flags.
Fast forward 2 years and she’s not getting the love and communication she craves, and he’s not getting the intimacy and validation he deserves.
Yet they’re getting engaged and building a house. Whaaaat?? Yep! Because that’s what people do!
They tick a few boxes, and then squeeze the rest of the square stuff through a round hole because they need to feel something.
Please ask questions, in all relationships and all communications. Don’t assume a damn thing, as we all know that assumptions are the termites of relationships. We are programmed to ignore the red flags because of the wounds we carry. If he or she cringes when you ask them a simple question, you then have to ask, “what’s here?”
And if you chose to ignore it, if you chose attention, or hot sex, or your need to feel loved over what’s really here… you are doomed from the start. Women want men to desire them and know what they want. If you sit back and “see how things go” you are going to attract a woman who only wants to see how things go, with no goal in mind and no commitment.
Are you asking questions? Are you understanding your own values?
What do you FEED off?
Step into your power centre from the start and you will attract the right woman… your queen. If you’re just looking for a bit of fun, but in your heart-of-hearts you desire mind-blowing connection and a long term partner to hold you and champion you as you walk through life… then just how “fun” is it?
Does it make you feel empty? Is it progressive? Are you growing and evolving?
Get clear on what your inner-most desire is, and then get that amazing shit into your life! The more you say no to the things that don’t align, the sooner you’ll get to “f*ck yes”! If you want exclusive, find someone who wants the same. No games. No avoidance. No fear. And communicate!!
Be the love you need.
Start a conversation with me here on WhatsApp and we can have a chat..
Catherine Lyell
MEN’S HEALTH & PORN ADDICTION SPECIALIST
#menshealth #mentalhealth #dating #relationships